In one of my current collaborative cases, the divorcing couple opted not to include divorce coaches, saying they didn't think they needed them. Without going into any details, let's just say that the process would undoubtedly be going better if they did have the coaches. The lesson I've learned is to really encourage the partners to take advantage of this kind of professional expertise.
Having mental health professionals take part as divorce coaches is one of the great innovations of the collaborative process, in my opinion. These professionals work as therapists, but their job in a collaborative divorce is not to provide therapy. Rather, they use their background to help their client -- each partner has his or her own coach -- keep the right emotional perspective.
Divorce, obviously, is highly charged with emotions, many of them negative. The divorce coach helps the client to recognize these emotions and to accept them, but not to let them cloud their judgment about what is in their best interests. In traditional litigation, it can be quite amazing how one or the other partner loses all sense of perspective. He or she will spend thousands of dollars extra to oppose some financial provision that at the end of the day is worth far less than the extra money spent -- only so they can lash out at their partner.
Family lawyers often end up spending a lot of time -- a lot of expensive time -- handholding or calming down a client. We do the best we can as amateur psychologists, but we are lawyers, not trained mental health professionals. Therapists who spend years working with clients to help them understand their motivations and fears are so much more skilled at getting to the nub of the matter and helping the client get over some particular emotional hump.
Yes, you pay extra fees to have a divorce coach sit with you at the collaborative sessions, but even as a financial calculation you will almost always save money by moving the process along more quickly and not paying the much higher hourly fee to your attorney for pop psychology. More to the point, these skilled professionals can help you feel better about what you're doing and about the settlement you reach. They are one of the big reasons that collaborative divorce can be a constructive process that lays the basis for a quick healing and a happy future.
